25 years ago I did my first driving lesson and loved it!

I really enjoyed driving and would do it when I could no matter the time of day, size of car etc. I was so eager to do my test and get my licence.

But then I had my test.
I thought it went well but at the end the examiner told me 'd failed as I'd driven straight through a red light.
I knew it wasn't true, as did my driving instructor who had been stood at that exact red light waiting to cross the road and saw me stopped at it when red and then going when it was green.
But there was nothing I could do. The lie had been told and there was no undoing it.
I was told that she must have met her 'pass quota' for the week and a complaint would only result in me getting another exam with her and she'd be upset about the complaint and fail me on anything to prove a point.

So I bit my lip and booked in for another test for a month later.

The day of the test came and it was going well until the examiner asked me to take the next left and I did...
but into a car-park and not a road.
The examiner told me all was good and I had done as he said, done it safely etc but that was it - I had lost my nerve and began to shake and couldn't stop for the rest of the test.

Understandably at the end of the test I was told I had failed, not because of my driving but because of my nerves.

Fast forward to this year and any time I had tried to do driving lessons since then I had been so overwhelmed by the fear of the test that it was all I could think about when driving, or even when just being a passenger, or just thinking about driving.

I don't think a day has passed when I haven't thought about it.

That stupid and simple lie the examiner told was absorbed by me and twisted into 'I am not able to drive and therefore am incompetent'. It absolutely destroyed my already fragile confidence and I applied not being able to pass my test to many aspects of my life and always told myself I couldn't do anything using failing my test twice as evidence. That lack of confidence has eaten away at me and filled a large part of my brain clouding all my thinking for all these years.

But earlier this year I decided to address it and try driving again. It's been a roller-coaster of a journey veering from me learning to love driving again to being overcome with terror as soon as I thought of the test.
The worry about the test meant that as I drove I second and third-guessed every decision I made thinking not just 'is that the right decision' but also 'what does the instructor think of that decision' and also 'what will the examiner think of that decision'.
It's exhausting and overwhelming and completely counterproductive as by the time you think all of that the situation you were in has moved on and you can't even remember why you were making the decision and whether what you decided was the right one.

Dealing with all of that over the past few months has been tiring and, as I have managed to survive without a licence all these years, it was tempting to walk away and stop going through it and put an end to the literal night terrors and panic attacks the thought of the test had begun to bring on. But I really wanted to change the situation and try and retrain how my brain thought of myself.

So today I had my driving test and right up until it started I was still debating not doing it.
It didn't help that when it came time to leave the house I was so nervous I couldn't open my home front door to leave the house.
Then when I needed to get into the test car I realised that my car-blindness meant I had no idea what the car I needed for the test looked like amongst all the others in the car-park.
The test then nearly began with me not being able to figure out how to open the car-door to get in.
But once I got over all those comedy-of-error situations I gave myself a good talking to, took a deep breath and did the test.

45 minutes later I heard the words I had waited 25 years to hear and had convinced myself would never happen: ''I'm pleased to tell you that you've passed".
I had done it. I had overcome my demons to not just pass but pass without a single error and to be told I was an exemplary driver who the examiner thought was a safe, controlled and smooth driver.

It's hard for me to believe this has really happened and I'm waiting to wake up and see that it was just a dream and I'm still the failure I always thought I was.

It's hard to switch your thinking when it's gone down one track for so very long but today is my first step in trying to do that.